Fear v. Reality

Today I have been doing a lot of reflecting. One of the single most valuable exercises for me to do is what I call a Fear and Reality Deconstruction/Reconstruction activity. The idea around it was suggested to me by my husband while we were dating. Let's just say that my family has had its fair share of dysfunction and tough times over the years. We are still in the healing process. As part of the frailty of close relationships, someone fails someone else at some point and I've come to accept that it is merely part of this existence.

Sometimes this healing can take a long time and there are side effects of it. In my life, those side effects have come in the form of fear. Nick reminded me while we were dating that my life is my own. I can deconstruct the fears I have and reconstruct my life based on the realities. Although my mind had already believed that for a while and I thought I had a handle on it, I realized that my fears were holding me back. They were paralyzing me in certain ways. This activity reminds me that I am not my fears. I went home from that conversation and got a paper out. On one side I wrote Fears. On the other side, I wrote Realities. I wrote down every last fear that I could bring to the surface. Even though I was alone, without any intention of showing this list to anyone, it was surprisingly hard for me to get that vulnerable. I then wrote down all the realities, the things I am currently doing that would block those fears from becoming my reality. It was empowering.

Five years later, I did that again today. When I was in the shower, I realized I had a bunch of fears swirling around in my head that I haven't had the courage to face head on. Instead, I just think of myself as bad for having the fears. I forget that I can put it out on the table with myself and sort it out. I don't have to keep it in my head going only into negative energy. The best way for me to do that was write it down and write down what I am doing with those fears to keep from self-sabotaging.

This time was a little different in that I have only recently (within the last five years or less) grown these fears. Thus, haven't had as much time to work on the reality around it so that those fears don't come to pass. Some of them I had been working on. Others were fairly new and I didn't have satisfactory answers yet. That's ok. The best thing for me today was to put them on paper and recognize that I need to work on some of them to have a more solid path for my reality in those ways. Despite not having all the realities in place, I feel empowered toward it. Maybe you could try this, too.

Finding My Way

I think I just had a major epiphany with regard to a couple of verses. As a preface: You know that verse in Doctrine and Covenants 9:7-9 that first gives a mild rebuke to Oliver Cowdery for merely asking not and doing any of his homework ahead of time? Then the Lord tells Oliver that he needs to study it out in his mind and after he has done that, ask God if it is right. Understandable, God is telling him to use his own brain first. He wants him to figure it out as much as possible and then come to God for further witness on the matter. God tells him that once he asks, if it is right, he'll feel a burning in his bosom and he'll feel that it is right.

I've always wondered what the burning in my bosom was. I have felt it before, but I thought it only came at really spiritual moments. I thought it only came while I would pray or during church. It didn't occur to me until now that I have had the burning in my bosom to know if a thing was right often and during very ordinary days in my life.

Lately (as in the last few years, but particularly the past year), I have been wondering what path I should take with my songwriting and music. I have always believed that if you feel inclined toward something and it brings goodness to the world or a person in some way, to just do it. I have felt inclined toward many things in my life...to become a teacher, go to college, exercise, eat well, produce music, travel, write songs, build stuff, etc.

Now that I am looking back, I am realizing that the burning in my bosom was that same inclination that drove me toward a certain action that would bring satisfaction. Producing an album brought deep satisfaction. Now I'm going on a Summer House Concert Tour playing in people's backyards and living rooms. I feel a deep desire to do this as well. It feels like the right step forward. I've been doing other research and study about things that I feel I need to do. I have recently become a mother, which I love and cherish. All of these things have been the result of a burning in my bosom to act.

I think that the term fire under your bumb is in a way a variation of fire in your bosom. If you have the fire or need to do something and it is good, if you do it, you will not have regret. If you have that fire or desire to do something good and do not do it, I believe that is when there is regret.

Over the course of my life, I have taken very careful note that when I feel inclined toward something good, I should do it. When I do, I don't have regret. I believe the inclinations that drive us are the burning in our bosom. When we don't drive forward toward the inclinations, we miss out on greater blessings and perspective.

To Be Gentle

I am constantly aware of the state of my humanity. It particularly stares me down when I am not gentle or kind to the people in my life who matter the most to me. The ones that I hope feel loved and liked by me. I want them to feel I would do anything for them...even treat them with kindness in a rough moment. Sometimes in one split second, a harsh word or action can turn a perfectly good morning into tension. It can turn joy into sorrow. It can breed insecurity.

As I studied James 3:17, it says, But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. I wondered why this verse talks about peace, gentleness, being easy-going, merciful, etc and why that list begins with purity. The dictionary states that purity is freedom from adulteration or contamination, which basically means that it is free from any substance that makes the quality lesser. For example, the quality of a diamond increases with its purity because the clarity is what people want to see in a diamond. The question arises, What does it mean for us to be pure so that we can be peaceable, gentle, easy-going, merciful, and not hypocritical?

I believe the answer to that question is personal. Each person has things they wish were better about them. For some it is a need for perfection, other a substance vice, for others, a sexual vice. For others, it is the need for control, and the list goes on. Every person has something that affects their ability to be more gentle or peaceful in tough moments. We all have character flaws, that by working on it and being more gentle with ourselves and giving ourselves a chance to rise beyond it, naturally become more gentle with others and allow the little things to roll off our backs. That said, we will still have moments far below our character. We are human, not robots, and therefore will be thrown for a loop in an unexpected moment. That is when we must swallow our pride. The key is noting what sets you off and having the self-discipline to stop yourself in a rash minute.

It's easy to know this and harder to know AND do. That is always the tricky part. In the educational world, educators know this as the Knowing-Doing Gap. It's real, people. As humans, no matter the age, we know stuff, but struggle with then doing it. Maybe the answer is never staying off the horse. You fall off, you get back on. You never give up and stay off. If it happens often, you get help. Sometimes we need someone to coach us to do better so that we don't spiral into a depression.

Being human is not easy, but with time and help, we can get better at it. One more thing that is important to mention is giving others a reasonable benefit of the doubt. By believing that people mean well (if they aren't abusive), then put yourself in their place and try to have perspective. Perspective will make or break a tough situation and you will come out having triumphed.

The Truth

Recently, I found myself drowning in my own head. It was that all too familiar feeling of wondering if I'm on track to avoiding the mistakes of those in my past and if I am giving people close to me too much leeway. Sometimes I withhold goodness, service and willingness because I fear that I am or will be being taken advantage of. I was caught up to the point that instead of noticing the good, I was looking for what was wrong; seeking it out in order to justify my insecurity. My focus was sending me into a downward spiral and I was beginning to damage relationships. Luckily, someone who loves me assured me that I can reconstruct my future. My past experiences don't have to permeate the present and poison the future.

Part of Jacob 4:13 reads, "...the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested until us plainly..." I'll focus on a couple of points in that section of that verse.

First, the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. I remind myself frequently of the fruits of the Spirit as found in Galatians 5:22-23, which says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. If I am not feeling these feelings, I can be sure that I don't have the Spirit of God with me guiding my thoughts and actions. I admit that it can be difficult to simply pull oneself out of the gutter of negativity and begin to feel these things, but it happens to me when I choose to see the truth...things as they really are, instead of seeing the present and future through the destructive lens of my fears.

As I read on in the verse, I wanted to know how those things would be manifested unto me plainly. It occurred to me that fear muddles and clouds things so that what was previously clear is not anymore. When I am scared of my present or of my future, it is usually irrational. Some of those fears are based on real experiences from the past, but I have realized that when I allow my past experiences to create fear of my present circumstances, things as they really are get muddled and things aren't so plain to see anymore. I start worrying that the present will turn out just like the past or that in my future, I will turn out like person x,y, or z. I then become removed from the reality of today and my ability to construct my own life. I fall prey to my fears and find myself paused...paused in a moment, but then going backward, failing to trust in my ability to build my life the way that I have been given power from God to do so.

In an attempt to learn how to see things as they are, I did a deconstruction activity where I honestly listed my fears for the present and future; fears that tend to infiltrate my thoughts frequently. Next to each one, I listed the opposing truth...the reality. I felt empowered by the truth of reality. I was reminded that I can construct my world and build it into whatever I choose. That is the beauty of God's plan of choice. We can change the lens we see through so that we see things plainly as they really are.

Love Another As Thyself?

When showering is more than a chore and you can enjoy a little extra hot water after 1.5 hours of flag football in 12 degree weather in the snow, that warm water brings some reflection time. I don't claim to interpret the scriptures accurately on my own, but I will share the meaningful life lessons that touch me as I ponder the words of the Lord. Maybe it will help you in your life.

The New Testament cites Christ commanding people multiple times to "love thy neighbor as thyself" (see also Mark 12:29-33). What does that mean, exactly? Why does He add the last two words, "as thyself?" What is the key to that phrase and how do we unlock it so that we love others in the way Christ knows is possible?

People often say, "You can't really love someone until you love yourself." I always had to think hard about that and usually concluded that it could be true...maybe, maybe not. I didn't have real life experience to back it up. Now I think I do.

One day I was sitting on my stairwell, enjoying the fresh air, waiting for a friend to come, as we had plans. I had known him for a bit, but on this particular day, as he was walking up the stairs, I became keenly aware and self-conscious of a birthmark on my leg. I was wearing shorts (and had been fine all day), but this would be his first time seeing it. I had been feeling happy and excited to see him, but I suddenly turned inward to worry and concern of whether he would accept this part of me. Looking back on it, my greeting to him was empty and self-absorbed for fear that he wouldn't like it. Fear of rejection. The real problem: I was not ok with my birthmark, so I assumed he might not be, too. Most of the time I am ok with it, but sometimes that old Father of Lies comes in and tells me that I'm not good enough. Sometimes I believe him, but when I realize it's a lie, I try to kick it out.

When we listen to the sneaky, little lies, we turn inward and self-centered, becoming more easily offended. The saddest part is that we are usually unaware of it. It can happen in an instant and last for not much longer than that. We talk back to it by accepting ourselves in that moment when tempted not to. A work in progress for most people.

So what happens when someone tries to love you, but you become consumed with your past mistakes, the consequences of them, your frustrating bad habits, character flaws, or other things you don't like about yourself? Unknowingly, you become self-centered, comparing yourself to another. Instead of looking outward and noticing your neighbor (anyone and everyone) for who they are as a child of God with power, beauty, and love, your sights are reverted back to yourself and are focused on things you are self-conscious about. Maybe you notice other's flaws to cover your own. Your self-consciousness might be related to your body image, peace of mind, spirituality, mistakes, financial situation, family situations, etc. If you don't accept yourself and your situation or forgive yourself for mistakes you have made and consequences you've had to live with, how can you go on to really see others when they are standing in front of you with glory and beauty? We become blinded by our own dilemma. It's ok that you are human with failings and flaws. It's ok. Christ's Atonement is for us to place our insecurities and regrets at the feet of the Lord and let Him walk with us to show us how to love our neighbors and ourselves. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear (1 John 4:18-19). You are who you are today because of where you have been and the strength you have gained from your life experience and circumstances. Let the truth make you free (John 8:32). Your life is truth, your reality. Some things we can change and the others we must choose to live in gratitude to God.

Let It Go

Let it go. We hold fear and worries tightly to our chest, stalling us in our progress. We think that if we hold on to our worries and fears tightly enough, we'll protect ourselves from the disappointment and pain attached to the things or people we worry about. Inevitably, being afraid of uncertainty has the reverse effect and we end up more hurt. The only way to really move forward and not continue to hurt our spirit (the very thing we are afraid to do) is to let the fear and pain go by giving it away to the Lord. Unwillingness to forgive others usually stems from a fear of getting hurt again. We insist upon clenching tightly to that fear, perpetuating the hurt. An unwillingness to forgive oneself usually stems from a lack of self-trust; fear of not being up to task. It stops us in our tracks. Relationships wilt for the lack of life-support, which is trust and forgiveness, and confidence in oneself wanes.

What are we afraid of? Rejection, the future, disappointment, misunderstanding, etc… Our mothers were right when they said, “that’s life.” It is full of the things we are afraid of and we are consistently faced with seemingly unfair circumstances. If we are strong enough to choose faith instead of fear, progress and happiness become our path and we are saved from our cowardly plight.

We must decide to ask for strength again and again as we experience new, foreign, unexpectedly devastating experiences. If we do this, the outcome will be the same…we will be in a forward motion rather than a spiral downward.

How do we let fear go? We use our will to believe that He will carry the burden that it may be light (Matt. 11:30). We humble ourselves to believe that there is more to our life and plan than meets our current perspective (Isaiah 55:8). He is over all and all things will work together for our good (D & C 98:3), even when we think we have screwed it all up (D & C 10). It will, in fact, work itself out. It usually isn't in our own time or in the way we think it should go, but hearts will be softened, understanding will come, and strength will be endowed. Just let it go and believe.

One Step at a Time

Recently, I went to Southern Utah with some friends to do some canyoneering. After we left the home base for our excursion and I didn’t have any choice, these friends thought they’d just mention that one of the nine repels we would be doing through the slot canyons was 170 ft. into water. Swimming with my backpack on was definitely a new experience! My first repel ever was when I was 13 years old. If my memory serves me correctly, since then, I have gone on average, once. I rock-climb 2-3 times per year and have done a near-complete job of overcoming my fear of heights. I don’t know if 170 ft. is a lot to you, but even the well-experienced guys tried not to have a trembled look in their eyes when they told me the height of this monster cliff. I replied with, “You have confidence in me being able to do this, right?” “Yup,” was their reply. “That's good,” I thought.

I very much like to do hard things. Well, I DO hard things, but I don’t always like it; however, I NEVER regret doing hard things because I learn something every time. I like that part. My personal motto on this trip was, ‘Just sit back in the harness, look forward, and take it one step at a time.’ While the others were checking out the contour of the routes on the cliff beforehand, I didn’t. I was a little too freaked out to look down there. I would find out soon enough and that was good enough for me. Let gravity do its trick.

So I’m hooked up, feet on the ledge and I repeat in my mind, “You've got this. Just sit back in the harness, look straight ahead at the rock, and walk down the cliff one step at a time.” Doing it this way was easy. One of the coolest parts about it was that I was in control. I had to really trust myself, which can be hard. I could go fast, slow, or stop. The others were good at reassuring me when I needed it. I ended up having lots of fun and each of the nine repels were a new adventure.

In life we need to just sit back, look forward, and take it one step at a time. Sometimes we aren’t patient enough with ourselves. Sometimes we don’t trust ourselves or the Lord enough. Whatever your journey, whether it is school, work, parenting, dating, marriage, trying to find work, seeking to feel the Lord’s love, just remember the Lord’s command: be still and know that I am God.

We are given commandments for our benefit. The gratification or glory from the world has no competition with the power and blessings given from the Lord when we keep his commandments. Elder Holland reminds us that, “On that very night [of Gethsemane], the night of greatest suffering the world has ever known or will know, [the Savior] said, ‘Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you….Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.’ ” Have you ever thought about that as a commandment? He goes on to say, “I submit to you that [this] may be one of the Savior’s commandments that is…almost universally disobeyed (BYU, 1997).’”

Just like any other commandment, this particular one takes conscious effort. We can get caught up in fear, anxiety, distrust and find ourselves swirling around confused, not feeling sure about what the Spirit’s promptings feels like. In these moments of uncertainly and insecurity, we must turn to the Lord and ask him, as our Father, to comfort us and give us peace and confidence. He wants that for us. He wants us to know that we can trust ourselves and trust Him, especially if our desires are good. I have found that the scriptures are a key source of peace and strength for me. I turn to our prophet and apostles’ words for guidance. The Lord calms my soul and I become charged with confidence and reassurance that I am His and all is well. Recently, I had an experience that sent my security straight to the ground. I spent that time asking for confidence and strength, opening up my scriptures on my phone every time I felt weak. The result: I became strong. The Nephites in Helaman 3:35 did “fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility and firmer and firmer in their faith in Christ.” In a world where we are judged by so many outward factors, we need to be strong in our faith. We need to know that we are His. Our eternal worth never changes, whether we feel we aren’t pretty enough, wealthy enough, elite enough, good enough or smart enough.

Remember, especially in moments of trial and weakness that the Lord gives us the Spirit for our comfort and guidance so that we may with ease, sit back, look forward, and take life one step at a time.